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SURVIVING VALENTINE'S DAY WITH A BROKEN HEART
5 TOP TIPS FOR SINGLE GUYS
This time last week you were booking a table for two at the Dorchester, now you’re beating off into empty noodle pots that have since doubled up as ashtrays, making skittle-pyramids from empty cans of Kestrel. So your girlfriend had the temerity to dump you a week before Valentine’s Day? Yes YOU the acorn that made the oak tree!
The 14th of February is one of the few days in the year where normal civilized human beings get overwhelmed with saccharin sentimentality. Luckily I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to getting dumped and have had to endure many Valentine’s Days at the pawn shop trying to raise money to get at least a McDonalds breakfast in exchange for some personalised jewellery. Here are my five top tips on surviving Valentine's Day.
Get the Beers in!
Contrary to popular believe the answer can be found at the bottom of the bottle. Get a football, cut a hole in the top and stuff it with one of her houseplants. Voilà you have your very own Wilson a la Castaway. However, this one's by Lacoste so you can call him René. This can be your soundboard for when you start trash talking her. If you get to a nice 8 beer buzz you can start chopping up the furniture to make a bonfire in the backyard. Either that or you can power your way through a Rambo box set and practice your Sylvester Stallone impression. When you're going mad, it helps to have a football lying around to talk to.
Burn the Kinky Underwear and Bin the Toys
Look it’s going to be tough, lots of fond memories are going on the fire here and it all cost way too much in the first place. If she's got any salt about her she won't ask for them back. But those bodices, backless bra's, negligée’s, they've all got to go. Alternatively, Dump them in the clothes bin down Tescos and be happy in the knowledge that someone out there in the third world will enjoy those crotchless panties.
Get an Escort
Now this may sound extreme, but chances are you would have blown about a £100 plus on dinner and flowers anyway. In exchange you may have got a shirt that doesn't fit or some Football DVD that you have already seen, and is sh*t. Check the listings for local escorts, you'll literally get more bang for your buck than you would taking a girl out for a Rib-Eye Steak.
Enjoy Some Retail Therapy
Buy that jacket you saw at House of Fraser that that you loved, but she hated for no god damn reason whatsoever. Who cares if it was a woman's jacket, you looked amazing in it. Other cool things to buy in a time like this include a punch bag or a drum kit. There's something extremely cathartic about slugging the crap out of a drum-kit or heavy bag.
Turn off Your Phone
You may be thinking that she might text on this rather romantic day, she might throw you a pity bone. Screw that. You may as well take a day off from checking your in-trays, if you don't you'll be watching your phone like a god damn television and only get your hopes dashed when you get the obligatory Valentine’s Day message from your Mum. Instead, head to the gym and finally pluck up the courage to talk to that hottie on the Cross Trainer.