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THE RULES OF TOP GENTLEMANLY BEHAVIOUR
WE BRING OUT THE GENTLEMAN WITH DR. LINDEMAN
It's amazing how guys are still tripping over the basics when it comes to the rules of gentlemanly behaviour these days. Albeit a fundamental lack of self-awareness or the inability to compartmentalise, 9 out of 10 dudes are still comprehensibly befuddled as to why they are still single. The other 10% are just addicted to gaming. I jest, and remember, 75% of statistics are made up on the spot. But for those that are still struggling, let’s make sure you're not committing school-boy errors in the gentleman's club.
1. Order/Open/Pour/Pay for the wine
The wine is your domain as a male man. If you're at a restaurant, ask for the wine list before the apéritif. Ask the ladies permission to order for her, then don't ask the waiter (audibly) what the next cheapest up from the house wine is. If you're at home entertaining guests or a date, don't open the wine between your legs like Basil Fawlty. Also don't be overly precious about your carpet. If a drop gets spilt don't whinge about losing your precious deposit or call Mr Wolf to arrange damage limitation. Suck up some quiet tears and move on (you can clean it later).
It's always good to be seen as the go-getter-trend-setter, so invest in a wine that's fairly new. Maybe precipitate it with a little gag like, "I've heard of this incredible new grape called Echo Falls, have you ever tried it?" Unless they take you seriously then a little humour can be incredibly disarming. That's when you unveil the new Dr Lindeman’s Gentleman’s Collection, a decidedly fine range of wines for the discerning Gentleman who is and the Gentleman who aspires to be. The Gentleman’s Collection range comprises two wines available in the UK, A handsome Cabernet Sauvignon and a charming Chardonnay, so you have all the bases covered. It's stylish, substantial and always an exponent of good taste - the Gentleman’s Collection embraces all things a modern gentleman aspires to be.
2. Never carry an umbrella, unless it's for her
This could be quite divisive because it can look rather dandy-esque carrying an umbrella. However, I would trade in aesthetics and practicality for just a dusting of masculinity any day. Do you think Steve McClaren ever lived it down being called the 'wally with the brolly?' Football fans, would you want to see your manager holding an umbrella at the dugout? More interest in preserving that immaculate hair do than orchestrating his players around the pitch with both hands in the rain? Carry an umbrella by all means, but only for her, only out of chivalry.
3. Pretend to care about her Mother
Or whatever family member you've married into. Ask her how her health is, is there anything "we can do" knowing it's just a useless platitude as she lives on the other side of the world. A close cousin is asking about her injuries. She may have a stiff back, chronic toothache, she might be taking up Pilates, there's nothing like bringing up the little things. No one else is asking her, and she's beginning to think that not too many other people care about her the way you do.
4. Don't give the cocktail waitress the eye, or your number
I know this will be tough, its one rule that I wish wasn't set in stone in the Gentleman's Almanac. Giving her your undivided attention, not letting your eyes meander over to the movements of the 19 year old cocktail waitress wearing a dress a size too small. This is the sort of discipline that gets drilled into you at gentleman's bootcamp, especially as evolution has taught men to be focused, blinkered on their prey ahead (or just over the shoulder of), whilst the lady has inherited her periphery vision from sitting on the nest, protecting her eggs, on the lookout for predators. Basically, nature is against us on this one - women see everything.