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5 Rules for Tinder Success

Suddenly I find myself drunk with power, swiping faces right to left on the Tinder app. Actually, that's a lie. I don't judge people, purely because I don't have enough time. I simply hammer the yes button until I'm out of likes (of course I'm not upgraded to unlimited), Tinder then removes my privileges for 12 hours where the process starts all over again.

During that time inevitably I will get the odd match (rarely) and when I like what I've been paired with (even rarer still) I would entertain talking to them. The whole process now is like a well-oiled routine, but it took a while to get there. Here's a few things I've learnt, that I wish someone had told me before I started my first swipe.

"Like a well-oiled routine"
"Like a well-oiled routine"

1. Be the best looking in the picture 

...Or get an ugly dog. Make your profile picture clean. No sunglasses, hats, or sedated Bengal tigers. If you look good with your top off don't just have a poorly-lit bathroom selfie of you and your washboard stomach. Just stick to one of you smiling and don't have more than one beer bottle in your hand.

"Get an ugly dog"
"Get an ugly dog"

2. If you get a match 

...and the girl has a picture of herself running, ask the key question "Have you run any marathons yet?" Chances are she has, or is in training to do one. She'll want to talk about it, non-bleeding-stop. Don't reply with the fact that the only running you do is to make last orders from your gaff to the pub.

"Run any marathons yet?"
"Run any marathons yet?"

3. Don't talk forever 

...On the 3rd or 4th message tell her you're going to visit your folks out in the sticks and won't have signal. She'll know its bull-crap but if she likes you, she won't mind. The best thing about getting her number is it gets her off Tinder whilst she's engaging with you. You'll move swiftly onto whatsApp, a quick booty call, a few naughty pics, then take her down the Three Tunnes for happy hour.

"Move swiftly onto whatsApp"
"Move swiftly onto whatsApp"

4. Put your height down 

...If you're a tall glass of water then women will love the fact you're over 6ft. In fact it might be the only thing going for you. If you're at the height where you still can't get on half the rides at Alton Towers then put that down too. There's nothing worse than spending days on end talking, just to find out that she can't date a short guy, even though her ass is shorter than yours and she is ten years older.

"Women will love the fact you're over 6ft"
"Women will love the fact you're over 6ft"

5. Don't just talk to one woman 

...Match a few, keep the plates spinning. It will keep you from checking your phone every 5 minutes hoping she's finally had enough time in her busy day to send you a one word reply. "An eager beaver gets no beaver." Not a saying yet but I'm hoping it catches on. 

*Dog, Phone, Couple, Tall, Hipsters, Running images via Shutterstock

Peter Brooker

Peter is a published author on men's style, writer for the Metro Online, a huge James Bond fanatic and the host of our very own MenswearStyle podcast show.

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